Life can be cruel.

Sometimes life can be so unbearably unfair. I look at the people around me – be it family members or cyber friends – and I see so much pain and illness. It breaks my heart to see so many incredible people who’s lives have been forever altered so drastically by things like MS, Fibromyalgia, Parkinson’s, strokes, cancer, and tissue disorders. How can there be such a high rate of chronic pain and illness? How can so many things go so terribly wrong with the human body? I so desperately wish that I had a magic wand that I could wave and make everyone’s pain go away. I wish they could have their normal lives back and be able to experience what it feels like to live without pain for a day again. It’s such a sickening feeling; to watch the people that you care about suffering and not be able to take it away. And, it makes me sad to know that’s the same terrible, helpless feeling that my mom gets not being able to take my pain away.

I would do anything to give my mom her life back. I’ve dreamt for years of a day when she would wake up in the morning happy, rested and pain-free. And now, worse than that, she has to cope with having a daughter who is physically falling apart and unable to care for herself the way a healthy 19 year old can. It’s a lot to handle, more than anyone should have to. There’s so much uncertainty and with it comes a constant uneasiness – a fear of what might happen next. I know one thing’s for sure; we’re a team and without her I can’t imagine how I’d cope with this life.

To all those in my life – cyber or otherwise – who’re in pain; you are always in my thoughts. I’m sorry you’ve been dealt such a difficult hand in life and I wish that I could make it all better. I’ve learnt so much about life and perseverance from all of you. You’ve all not only taught me more about myself and how to better handle my own situation but you’ve also opened my eyes to the many faces behind pain. You teach me things that even first hand experience in the matter can’t. I hope you know that I’m here for you. I’m here with you.

Thank you and much love.

In Kindness There Is Strength by Βethan

I will hold on hope.

I realize something that maybe I’ve been avoiding for a while – my positive outlook on life has changed dramatically in the past few months, it’s been swallowed up by depression and hopelessness. I’ve ceased to participate in my life. When did that happen? I think it’s been a slow progression. I don’t have good days and bad days really, there are the highs and lows but mostly it’s just emptiness, eternal boredom, nothingness, accompanied by never ending physical pain.

What a waste of a life. That’s not what I want my existence to amount to – having my spirit broken by my worst enemy; pain. How did I let myself become this shell of a person? I’ve stopped being excited about things, stopped setting goals and having hopes. When I get an email from someone in pain or with an illness, asking me how I stay positive, I feel like a fraud – how can I give advice to other people that I can’t seem to follow on my own? I think I’ve started using my illness as an excuse, and it is, for a lot of things, but it doesn’t mean that I can’t try, and it doesn’t mean that there’s no room for anything else, anything good, in my life too.

I’m afraid to fail, and, I’m afraid of discovering just what kinds of things my body prevents me from doing. But that’s what I’ve realized – my fears keep me from doing much more than my body or pain ever would. That’s not okay. So, I’m going to start correcting that little voice in my head that tells me that I can’t do things and that I shouldn’t even bother trying as soon as I hear it and replace it with one that tells me it’ll be worth it to try, no matter the outcome. My own form of cognitive behavioral therapy. It’s been so long since I’ve truly worked hard at something and felt the pride of achieving it. I need to remind myself what that feels like. 

I wanted this blog to be as honest as possible, but I also wanted it to be somewhat positive, maybe even inspiring. So, time to get at it!

Hope By Jan Tik

I will hold on hope, and I won’t let you choke,
On the noose around your neck.
I’ll find strength in pain,
And I will change my ways.
I’ll know my name as it’s called again.

Mumford and Sons – The Cave

Our thoughts and prayers.

I just want to take a moment to give my respect and condolences to those beautiful children that we lost today in Conneticut and their families. Words cannot begin to describe something like this, and so I won’t even try.

ACandle

Our hearts, thoughts and prayers are with all of you on this shattering day. I’m so, so sorry.

Smiley faces.

A world full of pain is a lonely place. That is simply the truth. That being said, I’m again reminded of the hearts that go with me on my journey, even to the loneliest of places. There is love and compassion to give me strength when I feel done fighting to live a life that I find no pleasure in anymore. They remind me that; though I’m alone in my pain, I am not alone in life. <3 

Thanks SN, LG, and yours’ for the flowers. They meant more than I can say. The smiley face mug was perfect! xox

Treading water.

Where do I even begin? I am hollow, at my lowest and very near the end of my rope. I’ve been in bone shattering pain now for a week and four days. Not my daily chronic pain, but a pain that is making me lose all faith in ever getting better, or ever surviving long enough to find out. I’m angry at the world and everyone in it, but most of all, I’m angry at a body that is failing me and falling apart.

I’m not suicidal, in fact it’s probably just the very opposite; I’m trying with all that’s left of my strength and going through hell trying to live. When I have those thoughts; the ones where I do wish to no longer exist, it’s not because I want to die, it’s because I want need the pain to end.

I’ve been on a much higher dose of my pain meds then I care to be, but even with that I’m barely hanging on. If it weren’t for it though, I would’ve had no alternative but to check myself into the hospital and hope that they would help. I don’t even know if they would do anything for me. The experiences I’ve had with the hospital in relation to pain have never been pleasant or successful. At the most, you get a shot of pain killer and are sent on your way, no thought given to what happens when the medication wears off. Not to mention you’re often treated like a wussy or drug seeker.

My ribs slid back into place about a week ago only to subluxate once again not even 24 hours later. I still can’t bend, can’t breathe deep, dressing myself is a balancing act, showering is difficult and painful. And, I’m scared. Scared that this is a new stage in the progression of my disorder and the deterioration of everything holding my body together. I’m scared that they’re going to stay this way and that I’m going to have to learn to live with this new pain, a pain that made me wonder more than ever how I would ever survive to meet tomorrow. My tailbone is also dislocated or partially dislocated. It’s been doing this sporadically since I was about 10 or so but it’s also very painful none the less.

And then there’s my back. I almost get stuck in my bed everyday when I wake up. Between my ribs and the back pain I can’t sit up to get out of it. Half of the time I’ve been having to roll onto my hands and knees on the floor and struggle up from there. My toes and feet are constantly numb or tingling, my hips and legs are cramping and there’s a constant stabbing pain in my back. I have a doctor appointment on Thursday but I’m considering calling in today to see if they have an earlier opening. I don’t know what to do anymore, I can’t take it. It’s taken me four days of trying, to be able to write this. But I needed to unload and write out some of my thoughts and feelings. What else am I to do with them?

I’m sad. I’m tired. I have the desire and need to be comforted but am in too much pain to want to be touched. I’m uncomfortable with physical vulnerability but don’t have the energy or will to put on a brave face right now. And then, like I mentioned above; I’m angry and testy but don’t want to take out my pain on anyone that doesn’t deserve it. So, as much as it makes things worse I’ve still been isolating myself.

In the end, pain is a lonely thing. 

The Truth About Borderline

The truth about being borderline:

It hurts like hell.

It makes you hate things about yourself that you were hardly aware of to begin with.

It makes you angry at those who don’t deserve it.

It makes you constantly question your purpose and existence.

It often makes you wonder how much better off the world would be without you in it.

It makes you hurt yourself in any way possible, just to find some control, some escape.

It makes you turn into someone you hate, someone you’d do anything not to be.

It makes you afraid; of rejection, of yourself, of those moments when you decide you’d rather be gone than face the excruciating pain you know it’s going to inflict on you.

It makes your proper judgement disappear and tells you that whatever idiotic, impulsive, self destructive thing that you’re craving is the right thing to do, just give in to it.

It tells you that your worthless, that you’re nothing. A tiny spec of a pitiful existence in a world full of people better than you.

What is borderline to me? It’s a curse, it’s an evil, calling out to me every moment of the day, begging to be listened to, screaming out just how miserable I am, how I deserve nothing, how I am nothing.

Borderline is my day and my night, my darkest secret and my most obvious devastation.

It is me, and no matter how hard, how desperately I seek solace from it, it will always be there. Every time I turn around, every time I’m alone, every time I catch a glimpse of freedom or peace. It is always there, telling me I am nothing, telling me I’m not worth it, telling me that the world would be better off had I never entered it. And it makes me believe it. And sometimes I think that one day, it will claim my life entirely.

“Borderline individuals are the psychological equivalent of third-degree-burn patients. They simply have, so to speak, no emotional skin. Even the slightest touch or movement can create immense suffering.”

Never forgotten.

Miss you my old friend. I can’t remember a time before you were a part of our family.

To Feel, Alive

His sleeves, stained red, with self hatred and an endless need to punish himself,
Desperately searching, grasping, dying,
To feel, to feel, to feel alive.


He wears his scars for the world to see, why should he care?
They know nothing of his suffering. They know nothing of the lengths he must go,
To feel, to feel, to feel alive.


He remembers a time, smooth skin, still innocent of the trials of a tortured soul,
Innocent of a boy who doesn’t belong, who would do anything to find meaning,
And to feel, to feel, to feel alive.


To what end must he mar himself, when no matter how many drops of sorrow paint the floor,  
It is never enough to truly allow him his peace,
And to feel, to feel, to feel alive.

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