Something different.

Usually I stick to drawing portraits (they’re my favorite) but this time I wanted to do something a little different. The idea for this came from some song lyrics that I really liked (usually that’s how it starts!) and the rest of the picture just sort of evolved around it.

IMG_2796 - Copy

The lyrics are from an old Waylon Jennings song (not the one below) called “If You See Me Getting Smaller”. They read as:

If you see me gettin’ smaller,
I’m leavin’, don’t be grieving
Just got to get away from here.

If you see me gettin’ smaller,
Don’t worry, I’m in no hurry.
I’ve got the right to disappear.

I will hold on hope.

I realize something that maybe I’ve been avoiding for a while – my positive outlook on life has changed dramatically in the past few months, it’s been swallowed up by depression and hopelessness. I’ve ceased to participate in my life. When did that happen? I think it’s been a slow progression. I don’t have good days and bad days really, there are the highs and lows but mostly it’s just emptiness, eternal boredom, nothingness, accompanied by never ending physical pain.

What a waste of a life. That’s not what I want my existence to amount to – having my spirit broken by my worst enemy; pain. How did I let myself become this shell of a person? I’ve stopped being excited about things, stopped setting goals and having hopes. When I get an email from someone in pain or with an illness, asking me how I stay positive, I feel like a fraud – how can I give advice to other people that I can’t seem to follow on my own? I think I’ve started using my illness as an excuse, and it is, for a lot of things, but it doesn’t mean that I can’t try, and it doesn’t mean that there’s no room for anything else, anything good, in my life too.

I’m afraid to fail, and, I’m afraid of discovering just what kinds of things my body prevents me from doing. But that’s what I’ve realized – my fears keep me from doing much more than my body or pain ever would. That’s not okay. So, I’m going to start correcting that little voice in my head that tells me that I can’t do things and that I shouldn’t even bother trying as soon as I hear it and replace it with one that tells me it’ll be worth it to try, no matter the outcome. My own form of cognitive behavioral therapy. It’s been so long since I’ve truly worked hard at something and felt the pride of achieving it. I need to remind myself what that feels like. 

I wanted this blog to be as honest as possible, but I also wanted it to be somewhat positive, maybe even inspiring. So, time to get at it!

Hope By Jan Tik

I will hold on hope, and I won’t let you choke,
On the noose around your neck.
I’ll find strength in pain,
And I will change my ways.
I’ll know my name as it’s called again.

Mumford and Sons – The Cave

This weekend’s song on repeat.

“So tired that I couldn’t even sleep,
So many secrets I couldn’t keep.
Promised myself I wouldn’t weep,
One more promise I couldn’t keep.

It seems no one can help me now.
I’m in too deep,
There’s no way out.
This time I have really led myself astray.”