I just realized I haven’t posted anything since before the new year!
I hope you’re all well and that your holiday season was filled with love and joy. I haven’t been writing much at all, partly because I hurt my back and it was getting to the point where I could barely make it out of bed without screaming out in pain. It’s improved enormously in the last two days though, so I’m not complaining! In fact I’m quite happy about it!
Mentally I’m in a reasonably peaceful place right now. I feel hopeful that this year will be better than the last one. I have a list of things that I’d like to accomplish by the end of 2013 that I’ll post as soon as I’m finished. Some of my goals may seem trivial but sometimes even small achievements seem major when just waking up can be a challenge.
On a more somber note: our Marfamily (Marfan-family) as we’ve fondly come to know it, has recently taken a very painful and heartbreaking blow. One of our beautiful, precious Marfan babies; Teddy, has passed away. He was not even a year old yet and he had already endured two heart surgeries. If you have prayers to spare I ask that you direct them toward his family, whose pain I cannot even begin to imagine. If only words and prayers could ease such a pain for them. My heart, love and thoughts are with them at this time. And Teddy, you remind me to be brave and to cherish my moments on this Earth.
I realize something that maybe I’ve been avoiding for a while – my positive outlook on life has changed dramatically in the past few months, it’s been swallowed up by depression and hopelessness. I’ve ceased to participate in my life. When did that happen? I think it’s been a slow progression. I don’t have good days and bad days really, there are the highs and lows but mostly it’s just emptiness, eternal boredom, nothingness, accompanied by never ending physical pain.
What a waste of a life. That’s not what I want my existence to amount to – having my spirit broken by my worst enemy; pain. How did I let myself become this shell of a person? I’ve stopped being excited about things, stopped setting goals and having hopes. When I get an email from someone in pain or with an illness, asking me how I stay positive, I feel like a fraud – how can I give advice to other people that I can’t seem to follow on my own? I think I’ve started using my illness as an excuse, and it is, for a lot of things, but it doesn’t mean that I can’t try, and it doesn’t mean that there’s no room for anything else, anything good, in my life too.
I’m afraid to fail, and, I’m afraid of discovering just what kinds of things my body prevents me from doing. But that’s what I’ve realized – my fears keep me from doing much more than my body or pain ever would. That’s not okay. So, I’m going to start correcting that little voice in my head that tells me that I can’t do things and that I shouldn’t even bother trying as soon as I hear it and replace it with one that tells me it’ll be worth it to try, no matter the outcome. My own form of cognitive behavioral therapy. It’s been so long since I’ve truly worked hard at something and felt the pride of achieving it. I need to remind myself what that feels like.
I wanted this blog to be as honest as possible, but I also wanted it to be somewhat positive, maybe even inspiring. So, time to get at it!
I will hold on hope, and I won’t let you choke,
On the noose around your neck.
I’ll find strength in pain,
And I will change my ways.
I’ll know my name as it’s called again.
Mumford and Sons – The Cave