Lovely Blog Award

Okay, now you guys are just making me blush. I’d like to give a big, sincere “thank you” to Benjamin over at Expressions of my life-An evolution of art for nominating me for this award. I am deeply flattered that a blogger such as he would include me on his list of nominees. I’m a big fan of his writing/blog and his art and have greatly appreciated his continued kindness and support. Do yourself a plus and go check out his blog.

“The Rules” are:

If you are one of the nominees for the One Lovely Blog Award you must do the following:

– Thank the person who nominated you and link to them in your post.
– Share seven unknown things about yourself.
– Nominate other bloggers and blogs that you like or admire – 15 or so if possible.
– Contact the bloggers you nominate to let them know and to link them back to your post.

Seven things about me:

1. I dream of owning an old restored VW camper van.
2. I have 257 Beatles songs on my Ipod.
3. I love crows and find them highly amusing. They’re so smart.
4. I’d like to learn how to play the guitar but haven’t ever actually committed to doing so. My brother however is absolutely amazing (understatement) at it.
5. I have to sleep with a fan on to block out noise.
6. My cat purring on my head helps me fall asleep.
7. I often watch movies on my tiny portable dvd player even though I’m right next to my big flat screen t.v (which my grandma so generously left to me after she passed away <3).

My nominees (in alphabetical order):

1. About A Girl
2. But You Don’t Look Sick
3. Chronic Pain Survivor
4. Do I Look Sick?
5. Mars Of The Positive Toxicity
6. Melancholically Manic Mouse
7. Musings of a Dysautonomiac
8. Oh What A Pain
9. Overwhelmed By Joy
10. Poet Kaylynté
11. Power of Positive Thoughts
12. Tall Like The Sunflowers
13. Trying to Escape the Darkness
14. Vic’s Final Journey
15. Wheelmummy

I just want to mention that many of my nominees either suffer from chronic pain or a chronic illness or care for a loved one who does and that there is absolutely no pressure to forward this award on. I know that it takes quite a bit of time to think of answers to the questions, find 15 bloggers to nominate and then notify each blogger individually. I, myself, have been working on this over several days, putting it down and then coming back to it when I feel more able to. It’s enough that someone may click the link to your blog from here and be as inspired by what they read as I am.

It’s been a while.

I am such a lax blogger! I’m efficient and posting on a regular basis for a short period of time and then bam, I let it slide again. To be honest it’s hard, when I’m going through harsh “borderline” spells, because a lot of my actions and emotions are not things that I’m comfortable blogging about on a public space that my family has access to and that my identity is known on. I know that I chose not to blog anonymously and it was largely in part because I wanted the people in my life to be able to better understand me and my day to day life with my disorder and chronic pain, if they so chose to.

That was before I got my mental health diagnosis. And while I still want to be able to share openly and honestly, and I wish for everyone to also understand borderline personality disorder and major depressive disorder, many of the things I struggle with because of those disorders are deeply personal. Don’t get me wrong, being able to share the way I have on my blog has been a hugely positive outlet in my life. I’ve gotten amazing feedback from not only people in similar situations but also from people thanking me and offering their support. Many of my family members are also able to better understand me because of this blog. Had I written anonymously I would’ve missed out on the face to face feedback from the people in my life reading what I have to say. Those are just some of the reasons that I choose to blog under my real name. 

It is odd to me that I can so easily share every aspect, every detail, of my tissue disorder, yet I find it so incredibly difficult to share even the milder issues I face with my BPD. I suspect that I can pin it down to the stigma that follows any disorder regarding mental health. So many people are so opinionated on “mental disorders”, most of whom have know idea how agonizing living with them can be. And, I wish I could say “to hell with them”  but I am not the type of person to be able to just let ignorance and unfair judgement roll off of my back. I fear what people would think if they knew how damaging BPD and depression has been and still is to me at times, the agony and suffering it so often causes, the scars that it has left, and the fear that it threatens me with again and again. I never know how far it will drag me down, or when I will feel okay again. I never know who it’ll make me hate or how it’ll make me think of myself. I am always on edge because of it, I never feel truly safe in my own body, not physically, and now not emotionally or mentally either. 

Yes, I try to be as honest as possible here. For outlet’s sake, and for the sake of other people who might be going through the same thing. But if I were blogging anonymously I would have the freedom to be unflinchingly and brutally honest, without fear it would come back to bite me.