The fear that follows.

Generally, I try not to read too much information when it comes to aortic dissection in Marfan Syndrome. It scares me too much because it reminds me that it does happen and that it can be fatal, and I don’t want to die. I know that the odds are generally in my favor, it’s not like having MFS is a death sentence anymore but I’ve heard some very real horror stories and I don’t live in a good area with a hospital that could quickly save my life in such a case. When I read about the life saving surgery and the fact that it can leave one paralyzed, or that it can cause heart attack or stroke, I can’t help but be terrified and feel reminded that survival life is never a given.

I also have a hard time entrusting something as important as my life to another person (doctors). There’s always a fear and a possibility that mistakes are being made in one’s care, after all, they are only human and there’s good and bad ones in the medical community just like everywhere else.

The reason that this is on my mind is because I’m considering going off of the beta blockers. I would think that it’s okay because it was my own initiative that got me on them in the first place (my heart rate was becoming increasingly high, not good for someone with MFS, beta blockers slow the heart down) but I’m trying to do all of the research that I can before making that decision. I’ve been on them for a little over 4(?) months now and I think that they’re the cause of my unbearable exhaustion and sleepiness. I have to nap multiple times a day now, sometimes even only 30 minutes or so after waking up in the first place. When I’m not sleeping I seriously wish that I was. The odd thing is that I still get insomnia a lot. I’ll be so tired that I can’t keep my eyes open during the day but when I do try to sleep I still can’t a lot of the time. My exercise tolerance has also decreased in a huge way. Getting my heart rate up to 100 takes as much effort now as getting it up to 160+ did before. In the end I guess that doesn’t really matter, I’m supposed to keep it 100 and under when exercising anyways to protect my heart. It’s kind of depressing but necessary. 

Since starting them sometimes I’ve caught my resting heart rate as low as 48. I haven’t panicked about it or gone to the hospital. mostly because usually when that happens I don’t feel much worse than compared to usual. Generally my pulse has been at around the mid to low 60s, sometimes the high 50s. 

Anyways, I’m nervous that were I to go off of them that it would be a huge and possibly dangerous mistake. I’d feel better about it if my next echocardiogram/cardiologist appointment wasn’t so far away still (April). From what I do know, with my aortic root size, it should be fine (as long as my resting heart rate doesn’t go back to being way too high), but I need to be sure. Talking to my gp about it seems pointless because she knows less than I do about the subject, she even forgot why we decided to start them in the first place (she thought it was high blood pressure when mine’s always been low), I could call the cardiologist but I haven’t met him yet (he’s my new adult one instead of my children’s hospital one) so I don’t know if he could make an accurate decision before our appointment.

If anyone has an opinion or more information on this subject I’d be happy to hear what you have to say, if you’d like to email me at or comment here I’d really appreciate it!

17 Years Old: Aortic Root Dilation

Throughout this entire journey, through all of the eye surgeries, unexplained health problems and pain, I still held out hope that maybe this was all a coincidence. Maybe I wouldn’t be in pain forever and they’d find something wrong with me other than a Connective Tissue Disorder…something curable. I know that I have a lot of the symptoms of one and that this would explain things nothing else could, and I think that deep down I knew that this was unavoidably my reality, but like I said; I still had hope.
A lot of people know that the biggest worry with some of the CTDs like Marfan Syndrome is the problems they can cause with your heart (and if you didn’t know now you do!). Since they know with 100% certainty I have one of these disorders they have kept a close watch on my heart to make sure that it hasn’t begun to be affected. The main concern is dilation of the aorta. This is when the wall of your aorta (your body’s largest artery) begins to weaken and stretch. This is dangerous because the more dilated your aorta becomes the higher risk you’re at for an aortic dissection, often referred to as an ER staff’s nightmare. An aortic dissection is a potentially fatal medical emergency resulting from a tear in the inner wall of the aorta which allows blood to flow between the layers of the wall of the aorta and force them apart. If the blood tears through all of the aortic walls massive blood loss will occur and the chance of survival becomes slim. Some people may remember John Ritter’s death a few years back as the result of an aortic dissection. That is why diagnosis and proper observation is vital for those with Marfan Syndrome and similar disorders. Though it is still possible those of us who are being monitored will more likely never have to face aortic dissection. Once your aorta is dilated to the point where it may become dangerous open heart surgery to replace the damaged portion is performed. Some famous figures have undergone the same type of surgery (but for other reasons), such as Barbara Walters, Robin Williams, Bill Clinton and David Letterman.
I’ve undergone an echocardiogram once every year since I was diagnosed with a tissue disorder to measure my aorta. It is like having an ultrasound on your heart. I am never nervous because for some reason or other -in that department- I’ve always sort of felt invincible and could never imagine the results coming back any other way than fine. I had never even thought for a second something would show up. But I was pulled back into reality last fall when my echo did in fact show that my aorta had become slightly dilated. This is no immediate concern, but it painfully shattered my denial and smacked me into reality -so to speak. I couldn’t look at my mom while we were receiving the results. I knew one look at her reaction and I wouldn’t be able to keep myself composed long enough to get the important information that I’d need and want to know. A few times while the meaning of the results was being explained to us I had zoned out. I wanted to be outside where I could scream. It felt so odd to get such personal, life altering news while confined to a room with a practical stranger. I kept thinking about my mom and how I had to be strong because I knew this news would hurt her more than me. The things I had the hardest time with was knowing that like I said; I wasn’t invincible and the fact that I might one day need heart surgery (which I should mention has a very high success rate), but regardless it is still open heart surgery. Those are some terrifying words when uttered in regards to your future treatment. I will also need to be placed on beta blockers or Losartan at some point to hopefully slow the rate at which my aorta does weaken and dilate. This will slow my body down and take some of the stress off of the artery.
As of now I still have a few months left before my next echo and before they will put me on one of those medications. I haven’t been fretting the next echo. I choose not to think of whether or not it will be even more dilated. I just know that for now it is only slight and I should enjoy that for as long as I can. Sometimes the aorta will stay on the outer limits of normal, or in otherwords it will become slightly dilated but never really progress further. And there are enough things ahead of me to worry about when I come to them, so for now I will try to focus on the positive. Though, at times it does sink in, for now I am living as if I had never received this news. My next appointment will arrive soon enough so until then I will pretend all is well. I’m not in denial, I’m just coping. And I think this is a positive way to do so. 
The diagram to the left is one I edited based on my cardiologist’s description of aortic root dilation. He drew where the widened part of my aorta was (in my case the root) and how it would look compared to a normal person’s. The measurement in centimetres are just to give a basic idea of the average root size and the size of one that would be considered dilated. However the size of your aorta is based on height, age, weight etc so what would be dilated to one person may not be to another. All of this is taken into consideration and calculated when measuring the aorta to help determine whether it is a healthy size or not. Mine is just outside of the average limits which is why I say it’s slightly dilated. At the moment it is 3.8cm which is larger than it should be for someone my age height and weight. Usually an aorta is not operated on until it’s 5cm-5.5cm, although it’s becoming more common to have the operation at 4.5cm to reduce the chance of dissection and aneurysm. Either way it would seem I have quite a while before I have to worry about that, depending on if and how quickly my aorta continues to expand. The speed at which it does so is unpredictable so like I said before; I try not to think about it. It isn’t the end of the world, though at first it felt like it. But I have come to accept that this will be a part of my future. 
{I am not a doctor and the medical definitions and descriptions featured in this blog post do not and should not replace those of a medical professional. They are merely there to help give an idea of my situation and experiences.}