I will hold on hope.

I realize something that maybe I’ve been avoiding for a while – my positive outlook on life has changed dramatically in the past few months, it’s been swallowed up by depression and hopelessness. I’ve ceased to participate in my life. When did that happen? I think it’s been a slow progression. I don’t have good days and bad days really, there are the highs and lows but mostly it’s just emptiness, eternal boredom, nothingness, accompanied by never ending physical pain.

What a waste of a life. That’s not what I want my existence to amount to – having my spirit broken by my worst enemy; pain. How did I let myself become this shell of a person? I’ve stopped being excited about things, stopped setting goals and having hopes. When I get an email from someone in pain or with an illness, asking me how I stay positive, I feel like a fraud – how can I give advice to other people that I can’t seem to follow on my own? I think I’ve started using my illness as an excuse, and it is, for a lot of things, but it doesn’t mean that I can’t try, and it doesn’t mean that there’s no room for anything else, anything good, in my life too.

I’m afraid to fail, and, I’m afraid of discovering just what kinds of things my body prevents me from doing. But that’s what I’ve realized – my fears keep me from doing much more than my body or pain ever would. That’s not okay. So, I’m going to start correcting that little voice in my head that tells me that I can’t do things and that I shouldn’t even bother trying as soon as I hear it and replace it with one that tells me it’ll be worth it to try, no matter the outcome. My own form of cognitive behavioral therapy. It’s been so long since I’ve truly worked hard at something and felt the pride of achieving it. I need to remind myself what that feels like. 

I wanted this blog to be as honest as possible, but I also wanted it to be somewhat positive, maybe even inspiring. So, time to get at it!

Hope By Jan Tik

I will hold on hope, and I won’t let you choke,
On the noose around your neck.
I’ll find strength in pain,
And I will change my ways.
I’ll know my name as it’s called again.

Mumford and Sons – The Cave

8 thoughts on “I will hold on hope.

  1. Hang in there Katie! Pain alone can suck the life out of us and make it hard to see anything else. Have been there off and on for the last year myself. Keep writing, keep reaching out, keep accepting support and those of us on the sidelines of your life will lift you up!

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  2. My thoughts are with you my dear. Your blog is positive because it is inside of you. You are real, genuine, compassionate, creative, and smart! You do write what you feel, and that is a gift that many don’t have. You do. {{Virtual Hug}}

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  3. I understand 100% dear Katie, you are one of the few ppl whom I know when I say that know what I mean. Bless you dear girl, even on your darkest days I’m with you in spirit. Sending happy thoughts and good music your way :-)
    Always
    B.

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