Treading water.

Where do I even begin? I am hollow, at my lowest and very near the end of my rope. I’ve been in bone shattering pain now for a week and four days. Not my daily chronic pain, but a pain that is making me lose all faith in ever getting better, or ever surviving long enough to find out. I’m angry at the world and everyone in it, but most of all, I’m angry at a body that is failing me and falling apart.

I’m not suicidal, in fact it’s probably just the very opposite; I’m trying with all that’s left of my strength and going through hell trying to live. When I have those thoughts; the ones where I do wish to no longer exist, it’s not because I want to die, it’s because I want need the pain to end.

I’ve been on a much higher dose of my pain meds then I care to be, but even with that I’m barely hanging on. If it weren’t for it though, I would’ve had no alternative but to check myself into the hospital and hope that they would help. I don’t even know if they would do anything for me. The experiences I’ve had with the hospital in relation to pain have never been pleasant or successful. At the most, you get a shot of pain killer and are sent on your way, no thought given to what happens when the medication wears off. Not to mention you’re often treated like a wussy or drug seeker.

My ribs slid back into place about a week ago only to subluxate once again not even 24 hours later. I still can’t bend, can’t breathe deep, dressing myself is a balancing act, showering is difficult and painful. And, I’m scared. Scared that this is a new stage in the progression of my disorder and the deterioration of everything holding my body together. I’m scared that they’re going to stay this way and that I’m going to have to learn to live with this new pain, a pain that made me wonder more than ever how I would ever survive to meet tomorrow. My tailbone is also dislocated or partially dislocated. It’s been doing this sporadically since I was about 10 or so but it’s also very painful none the less.

And then there’s my back. I almost get stuck in my bed everyday when I wake up. Between my ribs and the back pain I can’t sit up to get out of it. Half of the time I’ve been having to roll onto my hands and knees on the floor and struggle up from there. My toes and feet are constantly numb or tingling, my hips and legs are cramping and there’s a constant stabbing pain in my back. I have a doctor appointment on Thursday but I’m considering calling in today to see if they have an earlier opening. I don’t know what to do anymore, I can’t take it. It’s taken me four days of trying, to be able to write this. But I needed to unload and write out some of my thoughts and feelings. What else am I to do with them?

I’m sad. I’m tired. I have the desire and need to be comforted but am in too much pain to want to be touched. I’m uncomfortable with physical vulnerability but don’t have the energy or will to put on a brave face right now. And then, like I mentioned above; I’m angry and testy but don’t want to take out my pain on anyone that doesn’t deserve it. So, as much as it makes things worse I’ve still been isolating myself.

In the end, pain is a lonely thing. 

16 thoughts on “Treading water.

  1. Pingback: The Dragon Loyalty Award and Blog 2013 Award | tersia burger

  2. Today I was inspired by a wonderful blog to come up with an award….Someone has to create these awards…. and I created the Rose of Kindness Award. I used a photo of Vic and my favorite rose as the award picture. I have nominated you for this award. I know awards get out of hand, but this one is special to me. I hope you accept. Lots of love and gratitude for the kindness you have shown me http://tersiaburger.com/2013/06/13/rose-of-kindness-award/

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  3. Pingback: Rose of Kindness Award | tersia burger

  4. Wow! I don’t know you, but I’m praying you will find relief, ASAP. In this situation, I would visit nearest ER & ask for name of the highest ranked (Chief) of Orthopedic Surgery, in your area. Any connective tissue disorder resource, like the National Marfans Foundation site or Mayo Clinic site. Blessings.

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  5. It rather seems like all my health blogging friends have crashed at the same time. Is it the change in seasons? Is there a full moon? I don’t know. I’ve been crashing as well, and could really relate to being on more pain meds than I’d like, and needing comfort but hurting too much to be touched. I’ll give you an internet hug (no touching necessary) and just let you know that your situation is unique, but you are not alone. We’ve been better before, we’ll get better again.

    Yesterday I was at a point of wondering if I’d already died. Not that I was dying, but that the pain was so bad I could not possibly have survived, and I must now be dead. I definitely wasn’t moving. But I seem to still be alive. We’re not alone. Another hug to you.

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    • This part of your comment “Yesterday I was at a point of wondering if I’d already died. Not that I was dying, but that the pain was so bad I could not possibly have survived, and I must now be dead. I definitely wasn’t moving. But I seem to still be alive.” really dug deep and true. So well and accurately written. I really hope things have improved with you, like you said “we’ve been better before, we’ll get better again”. Sending thoughts, hugs and thank yous.

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  6. Pingback: Sometimes the pain’s too strong to bare…and life gets so hard you just don’t care. « tersiaburger

  7. Oh my dear Katie I’m so sorry, I’m here for ya!!! I send you love and very very soft hugs (((h))) as to not cause more pain. In every life we find a dream always searching to find what it means, our purpose our goal to sew up the seams.Of everything we are and all we have been. Know one thing my friend as you sit as you may, you have touched at least one person. All of my days I will remember you. Always, Benjamin

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  8. What a lousy thing to do – “like” this pain filled post…. I did however because I want you to know that I appreciate your honesty and the effort that it must have taken to write this post. I could sense your raw pain in your post. I wish I had words to comfort you. I wish there was something that I could do for you! Please know that you are always in my thoughts. Cyber hugs to you brave, brave Katie!

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    • Thank you so much. I read your blog post “Sometimes the pain’s too strong to bare, and life gets so hard you just don’t care” and I wanted to also thank you for the shoutout as well as the genuine concern and much needed support.

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