There’s this screaming in my ear…

My sensors are so unbelievably overloaded, I’m surprised at myself for even offering up the effort that it’s taking to blog this right now. When you’re in pain it’s like having someone beside you, shouting in your ear while you try and process information. It becomes sadly difficult to do things that should be very simple, like listening in conversation – anything you’ve said will most likely not be remembered if I’m in very much pain.  This does make me feel bad, I think that it’s easy for people to interpret my inability to concentrate because of the pain as being a disinterest in them, or what they’re telling me. This is definitely not my intention but it is impossible to do otherwise at times.

When I have an awful headache, like now, I get this unintentional scowl and squint eyed look – all of my face muscles become tense, especially the eyebrow and forehead ones, partly in response to the entire pain itself and partly because looking around hurts. I try my hardest to relax these muscles, knowing that tension can only make the pain worse, but I find that I have to remind myself every few seconds. I found these amazing sunglasses the other day – not style-wise – but because they are super dark, almost too dark to be of any use but when a nasty headache occurs.

My mom and I had to drive to the next town over for one of her doctor appointments today. Well, I came in case she needed me to drive, but in the long run my pain got so bad that I couldn’t anyways – not safely at least. Being in the car is terrible for me pain wise, not to mention the fact that my height makes everything far less roomier than it would for those of average height. The drive is only about an hour and fifteen minutes each way, but that was plenty enough for the both of us. We’ve both been at home recuperating ever since. I find myself again being reminded of the harsh truth in the spoon theory, that a 19 year old can be so physically wrecked by a 2 and a half hour car ride. It’s ironic to think that my grandma fairs so much better than I do while taking on a much larger load, daily.

I’m finding myself in a good mood despite the above. I have much to be thankful for today, starting with the fact that my mom’s appointment went well and we received not an ounce of bad news. I have my own doctor appointment in two days. I want to ask her if there’s something that can be done for the spine pain, a nerve block or something, because what’s being done now isn’t working. My quality of life has been steadily declining very much in large part because of the back pain. I’m terrified of the answer I’ll receive to that question so I’ve been declining to think about it, I’ll find out soon enough anyways.

I had planned to use my camera somewhere along the beautiful drive today but that didn’t quite turn out to be as much road trip fun as I had hoped. So, instead I decided to post a few more from our Ottawa pain summit trip.

The parliament buildings are covered in stone carvings like this one, the detail and sheer man-hours put into them is incredible. I found this one to be the most humorous, perhaps unintentionally. Though, I can’t really see someone carving this out without having a laugh.

This is maybe 1/16th of one of the parliament buildings. I felt like I needed to hire a crane to lift me up so I could take pictures of them properly. They are huge. They were such a sight to see.

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