It’s been a while.

I am such a lax blogger! I’m efficient and posting on a regular basis for a short period of time and then bam, I let it slide again. To be honest it’s hard, when I’m going through harsh “borderline” spells, because a lot of my actions and emotions are not things that I’m comfortable blogging about on a public space that my family has access to and that my identity is known on. I know that I chose not to blog anonymously and it was largely in part because I wanted the people in my life to be able to better understand me and my day to day life with my disorder and chronic pain, if they so chose to.

That was before I got my mental health diagnosis. And while I still want to be able to share openly and honestly, and I wish for everyone to also understand borderline personality disorder and major depressive disorder, many of the things I struggle with because of those disorders are deeply personal. Don’t get me wrong, being able to share the way I have on my blog has been a hugely positive outlet in my life. I’ve gotten amazing feedback from not only people in similar situations but also from people thanking me and offering their support. Many of my family members are also able to better understand me because of this blog. Had I written anonymously I would’ve missed out on the face to face feedback from the people in my life reading what I have to say. Those are just some of the reasons that I choose to blog under my real name. 

It is odd to me that I can so easily share every aspect, every detail, of my tissue disorder, yet I find it so incredibly difficult to share even the milder issues I face with my BPD. I suspect that I can pin it down to the stigma that follows any disorder regarding mental health. So many people are so opinionated on “mental disorders”, most of whom have know idea how agonizing living with them can be. And, I wish I could say “to hell with them”  but I am not the type of person to be able to just let ignorance and unfair judgement roll off of my back. I fear what people would think if they knew how damaging BPD and depression has been and still is to me at times, the agony and suffering it so often causes, the scars that it has left, and the fear that it threatens me with again and again. I never know how far it will drag me down, or when I will feel okay again. I never know who it’ll make me hate or how it’ll make me think of myself. I am always on edge because of it, I never feel truly safe in my own body, not physically, and now not emotionally or mentally either. 

Yes, I try to be as honest as possible here. For outlet’s sake, and for the sake of other people who might be going through the same thing. But if I were blogging anonymously I would have the freedom to be unflinchingly and brutally honest, without fear it would come back to bite me.

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