Under the Water

My plate is full right now. To capacity. Being in pain all of the time is enough to occupy your life entirely, but that doesn’t mean other things don’t make their way in too.

My mom is sick, she’s struggling and I can’t make it better, I can’t fix it, no matter how desperately I want to. All I can do is watch, wait, and pray that she’ll be better soon. I can be there for her, and I am, but it’s not enough. Watching the people you love suffer is so much worse than suffering yourself. If I could, I would take it all away from her and keep it for myself.

My mood’s been stable, better than stable, but my insomnia has returned with a vengeance and I can feel myself slipping back into depression. The violent swings in my emotions and ability to cope are back. I feel like I’m on a brutal roller coaster. I thought I was getting better, naively so. I felt relatively normal for the first time in months but I guess all good things must come to an end.

“Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.” – Walter Anderson

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