A Letter To People Without Chronic Pain

I found this letter a year or so ago and have shared it many times since, but since this blog is fairly new I thought I’d introduce it to you readers. It’s addressed to those who do not live with chronic pain from the point of view of someone who does. It still amazes me how perfectly the writer describes chronic pain and the lives of those who live with it. This is a perfect way for those who know someone who is always in pain to understand a bit about their situation and the actions that stem from it. It’s easy for other’s to take it personally when we cancel on them or act uninterested in their company. But 99% of the time it has nothing to do with them. Pain has a way of consuming you and keeping you from enjoying the things you should be or could be if it wasn’t there. This letter helps highlight all of this and the why and what behind it.

Letter To People Without Chronic Pain

Having chronic pain means many things change, and a lot of them are invisible. Unlike having cancer or being hurt in an accident, most people do not understand even a little about chronic pain and its effects, and of those that think they know, many are actually misinformed.

In the spirit of informing those who wish to understand …
… These are the things that I would like you to understand about me before you judge me…

Please understand that being sick doesn’t mean I’m not still a human being. I have to spend most of my day in considerable pain and exhaustion, and if you visit, sometimes I probably don’t seem like much fun to be with, but I’m still me– stuck inside this body. I still worry about school, my family, my friends, and most of the time – I’d still like to hear you talk about yours, too.

Please understand the difference between “happy” and “healthy”. When you’ve got the flu, you probably feel miserable with it, but I’ve been sick for years. I can’t be miserable all the time. In fact, I work hard at not being miserable. So, if you’re talking to me and I sound happy, it means I’m happy. That’s all. It doesn’t mean that I’m not in a lot of pain, or extremely tired, or that I’m getting better, or any of those things. Please don’t say, “Oh, you’re sounding better!” or “But you look so healthy!¨ I am merely coping. I am sounding happy and trying to look normal. If you want to comment on that, you’re welcome.

Please understand that being able to stand up for ten minutes doesn’t necessarily mean that I can stand up for twenty minutes, or an hour. Just because I managed to stand up for thirty minutes yesterday doesn’t mean that I can do the same today. With a lot of diseases you’re either paralyzed, or you can move. With this one, it gets more confusing everyday. It can be like a yo-yo. I never know from day to day, how I am going to feel when I wake up. In most cases, I never know from minute to minute. That is one of the hardest and most frustrating components of chronic pain.

Please repeat the above paragraph substituting, “sitting”, “walking”, “thinking”, “concentrating”, “being sociable” and so on … it applies to everything. That’s what chronic pain does to you.

Please understand that chronic pain is variable. It’s quite possible (for many, it’s common) that one day I am able to walk to the park and back, while the next day I’ll have trouble getting to the next room. Please don’t attack me when I’m ill by saying, “But you did it before!” or Oh, come on, I know you can do this!” If you want me to do something, then ask if I can. In a similar vein, I may need to cancel a previous commitment at the last minute. If this happens, please do not take it personally. If you are able, please try to always remember how very lucky you are–to be physically able to do all of the things that you can do.

Please understand that “getting out and doing things” does not make me feel better, and can often make me seriously worse. You don’t know what I go through or how I suffer in my own private time. Telling me that I need to exercise, or do some things to get my mind off of it¨ may frustrate me to tears, and is not correct. If I was capable of doing some things any or all of the time, don’t you know that I would? I am working with my doctor and I am doing what I am supposed to do. Another statement that hurts is, “You just need to push yourself more, try harder…” Obviously, chronic pain can deal with the whole body, or be localized to specific areas. Sometimes participating in a single activity for a short or a long period of time can cause more damage and physical pain than you could ever imagine. Not to mention the recovery time, which can be intense. You can’t always read it on my face or in my body language. Also, chronic pain may cause secondary depression (wouldn’t you get depressed and down if you were hurting constantly for months or years?), but it is not created by depression.

Please understand that if I say I have to sit down/lie down/stay in bed/or take these pills now, that probably means that I do have to do it right now – it can’t be put off or forgotten just because I’m somewhere, or am right in the middle of doing something. Chronic pain does not forgive, nor does it wait for anyone.

If you want to suggest a cure to me, please don’t. It’s not because I don’t appreciate the thought, and it’s not because I don’t want to get well. Lord knows that isn’t true. In all likelihood, if you’ve heard of it or tried it, so have I. In some cases, I have been made sicker, not better. This can involve side effects or allergic reactions. It also includes failure, which in and of itself can make me feel even lower. If there were something that cured, or even helped people with my form of chronic pain, then we’d know about it. There is worldwide networking (both on and off the Internet) between people with chronic pain. If something worked, we would KNOW. It’s definitely not for lack of trying. If, after reading this, you still feel the need to suggest a cure, then so be it. I may take what you said and discuss it with my doctor.

If I seem touchy, it’s probably because I am. It’s not how I try to be. As a matter of fact, I try very hard to be normal. I hope you will try to understand. I have been, and am still, going through a lot. Chronic pain is hard for you to understand unless you have had it. It wreaks havoc on the body and the mind. It is exhausting and exasperating. Almost all the time, I know that I am doing my best to cope with this, and live my life to the best of my ability. I ask you to bear with me, and accept me as I am. I know that you cannot literally understand my situation unless you have been in my shoes, but as much as is possible, I am asking you to try to be understanding in general.

In many ways I depend on you – people who are not sick. I need you to visit me when I am too sick to go out… Sometimes I need you help me with the shopping, cooking or cleaning. I may need you to take me to the doctor, or to the store. You are my link to the normalcy of life. You can help me to keep in touch with the parts of life that I miss and fully intend to undertake again, just as soon as I am able.

I know that I have asked a lot from you, and I do thank you for listening. It really does mean a lot.

– Author Unknown

I’ve done research to try and find the author of this letter so that I can not only give them credit for their work but also thank them for it. This letter undoubtedly has done a lot of good for a lot of people. So thank you for that. This link may lead to the author of this letter (thanks Christina!).

“All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them.” – Galileo Galilei

4 thoughts on “A Letter To People Without Chronic Pain

  1. My God straight from my soul to her pen . I have tried to explain to people for over 20 years about how I feel but I never could and the only way people understood was it happened to them. I wish I knew who wrote this letter because I could use a friend who understands. You see after 20 years I have lost all connections to friends and the outside world .I am alone for the most part except for my 13 year old son and someone who says they love me but, is only using me and making things worse. He cooks and cleans a little but he cooks all the things I am not suppose to have . Even though I have asked him to let me put my chair in there and let me cook . He pays no rent nor does he have money for his own cigarettes, in fact I have given him 80 bucks so far this month and he wants more . I can’t stand it anymore he stays on my couch . I have one true friend and she is busy busy . If it was for my son I did tie my oxygen hose to a rafter and hang myself.

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  2. Thank you for the link! I’ll add it to the bottom. I also just went back over the letter and am always stunned at how truthful it rings. It puts what I feel everyday into better words than I could hope to.

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    • Hi Christina, you’re exactly right. This was written by by Ricky (when she originally wrote it she was known as Bek Oberin). She has a lot of experience and has written a number of very good articles, just like this letter. It is very hard when others just don’t understand, both with the visible and the invisible sides of medical conditions. Thankyou for acknowledging who the author was. So much gets grabbed and copied and shared and becomes anonymous over time :-)

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