Ever since having to leave public school and enroll on online courses my grades and progress have been altered dramatically. I’ve found myself so far behind that I often feel that there’s no point in trying anymore. At first me not doing my school work was entirely a combination of denial, defiance, anger and depression. I hated that I had to do it at home alone instead of out in a classroom with my friends and teachers. To say the least; I was feeling sorry for myself. So, I just stopped doing it at all. I gave up on my schooling and most of all I gave up on my future and myself. Now it’s a combination of being unmotivated and being in pain or exhausted. Which all kind of goes hand in hand. I’ll finally psych myself up enough to do it and my headache will start getting uncontrollable or in the midst of stopping every twenty minutes to give my ribs and back a break I’ll get distracted and give up. Making excuses doesn’t help either though, and I know that. But excuse or not it’s still way, way harder to do when you can’t concentrate because of pain or your so tired that you have to keep reading the same sentence over and over 100 times and it still doesn’t register.
I feel so disappointed in myself. I used to be a straight A student. I’ve always been proud of the fact that I was smart and intellectual. I had a million ideas about what I would do with my future and how I would use those things to my advantage. But now I feel like it’s all going to waste.
I can’t figure out what to even work towards anymore. I can’t imagine what career I could possibly hold when I can’t even get through a day at home without it exhausting me. Yet, I see and hear so many stories about people who are worse off than me, people with horrible illnesses that they work through against every obstacle imaginable. I wish I was that kind of person. I feel so lost and so physically and emotionally drained all of the time. But I haven’t given up. I do still hold out hope that I’ll get through it and that I’ll find a future that suits me. One that I can handle and that makes me happy.
“Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.” -Herman Hesse